Difficult Things
Difficult things are difficult to overcome. I know. That seems like an obvious statement. But truly, how often have you been hard on yourself because you weren’t better yet? How often have you berated yourself because you just can’t seem to get over that thing, that person, that event? How many times have you said or thought, “I should be over this.”? We want to be better. We want to be free from the pain or the heartache. Because we want it like a PMS woman wants chocolate, we believe that should be enough. We should get what we want. It isn’t like we aren’t trying. Our efforts should be good enough. I can’t tell you why, but it just isn’t that simple.
At the ripe old age of 48, I finally figured out how to have a relationship with my dad that didn’t end in heartache and pain. I attempted to find our relationship for 35 years. (I didn’t know I lost it before that time.) I tried everything. I tried showing up by calling and making time for him. I tried only showing up when he reached out. I tried talking to him honestly. I tried not talking at all. In the end, I discovered I needed to live in the relationship that existed, not hoping for anything different. Especially not hoping for something that may have existed in the past.
My body and my spirit remember how difficult cancer was. There is an essence of that time that stays with me. My mind will say it wasn’t so bad. My mind will forget all the pain, the weariness, and the mental battle. It knows I made it through. Looking back, it’s thinking about how we made it. If we are here now, it couldn’t have been that bad. I just finished recording my book, More Than Her Share, for my audio book. That season was really bad. I fought with all my might to appear normal and together. On the inside I wasn’t together. I was tired all the time. Yet, I kept trying to not be tired. I was in pain, yet I tried to ignore the pain and keep moving. It was a burden I learned how to carry, but there was nothing easy about it. I am still learning to live with this new person that came from that time. I am learning how to love and take care of her. At the same time, my body is betraying me. I feel pain in so many places all the time. I try to move and exercise, but it is a battle to overcome the pain and fatigue.
Difficult things are difficult to overcome. I keep trying to overcome this difficult season, this season that came after cancer, that came because of cancer. I keep trying to discover how to take care of myself, how to stop gaining weight, how to see a beautiful person in the mirror even though I don’t recognize her. It is a daily challenge. Everyday I start again, making one healthy choice after another, making one caring choice after another. Hoping that one day, those choices will produce fruit. The fruit may be a physically healthier version of myself. The fruit will be a mentally and emotionally healthier version of myself. These choices will produce a version that loves myself fully, that remembers to be grateful for the gifts I have, that understands overcoming isn’t really about overcoming the difficulties. It is about overcoming the obstacle pulling you away from yourself. It is about overcoming the darkness trying to pull you into the pit. You see the light. You find the little joys. You are full of gratitude for the gifts and treasures you still have.
Difficult things are difficult to overcome. Love yourself. Look at what you have already overcome. See how strong you are. You are beautiful and lovely. Your existence is a gift to the world.
